On letter-writing
A method for continuing bonds + the magic of getting something meaningful in the mail
Whenever I think about letter-writing, I think about continuing bonds.
To very briefly summarize, the term “continuing bonds” is one that was coined by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman in the book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. An important aspect of this concept that resonates with many is that it offers a viewpoint that differs from “the stages”, in that it focuses less on moving up rungs of a ladder toward acceptance and more on adjusting to change in a non-linear way.
The idea of continuing bonds is an encouragement for the relationship to continue beyond death, acknowledgement that the relationship is different, but that it still exists. Where a rigid, more westernized model of grief may pathologize someone for continuing to talk to their loved one, engaging in old habits or rituals that they would do with their loved one, and perpetually thinking of them, continuing bonds sees this as healing.
This connects also to the article, “Growing around grief—another way of looking at grief and recovery” by Dr. Lois Tonkin, who posits that grief and sensations of loss tend not to get smaller, but that life gets larger to grow around it. This allows for grief to add to life rather than take away, and reduces the pressure that those who have experienced loss should find resolution in a certain amount of time, if at all.
Some of my most treasured possessions are letters, both, from people who are still living and people who are not. Consider the fact that, by sending someone mail, you may be giving them something of yourself to hold onto beyond the moment of reading it. That this may be a way to feel connected in times when they may not be able to have back-and-forth conversations with you.
Consider that a letter is a physical manifestation of care, that it holds an essence of your personhood, from your particular handwriting, your thinking style, what you share with someone about yourself or what you notice about the person you are writing to.
Experiment
Call to mind someone in your life. You do not need to be close to this person. They do not need to be alive.
Think on their qualities. How does it feel to be in their company? What song is playing as they exist in your mind’s eye? What color(s) do you see? Picture what it looks like when they laugh at one of your jokes. What is it that you like about them? What about them makes you feel tender?
Write it down. It can be short. It can be a novel. It can be visual.
Put it in an envelope. Address it. Affix necessary postage. Send it!! (Or don’t).
If you want to skip the sentimentality and just go for laughs, send someone a potato, because that’s something you can do. It won’t keep as well over time, but it makes a memory.