To Write One’s Own Obituary
You can author your own story
Where do you start when you sit down to begin the process of writing your own obituary? And why would you do that?
To answer the second question first, someone might want to write their own obituary if they want to reduce the amount of work loved ones have to do for them at the time of their passing, whether that’s a long time from now or not. It’s not cute to think about, but sudden and unexpected death is a daily possibility. Writing an obituary can be a life review exercise that helps someone take inventory of life in the big-picture. If a person is a gifted writer, authoring their obituary might be purely common sense. It could be that a person writes it themself because they are a control freak, working in alignment with an internal drive to be perfectly self-sufficient to the point of leaving no thread loose, anticipating a need that may not be fulfilled for decades. 👀 That’s definitely not me, but it could be somebody.
[See also: “Write Your Own Obit”.]
Maybe someone writes it because they just want to feel something. There are a lot of feelings involved.
How to start? I started in the same way that I have in the past when writing obits for other people: I sought out inspiration from those who have come before. Those who have done it first, and done it well. Cut-and-dry obituaries don’t do it for me. They need to go beyond the details one could find in public record. The best obituaries leave you smudged with love. Love for the person who died, for the people who loved that person, for humanity and all people living and dying everyday. My favorites are heartfelt, funny, reverent, irreverent, tender. The best obituaries are ones that are written by someone who understands what kind of impact the obituary, itself, can have.
On the funny-irreverent side of things, Walter George Bruhl Jr. wrote in the third person, in a way that evokes the mental image of his chagrined wife of 57 years, who “will now be able to purchase the mink coat which he had always refused her because he believed only minks should wear mink.” He spoke about his work history humbly, describing himself as someone who drifted through school and “attained the rank of sergeant. He chose this path because of Hollywood propaganda…”. He even included funeral information: “There will be no viewing since his wife refuses to honor his request to have him standing in the corner of the room with a glass of Jack Daniels in his hand so he would appear natural to visitors.”
There is Jane Catherine Lotter, a writer who used her self-penned obituary to express love and gratitude for her husband, children, and those who had uplifted her on her path. She shared:
“I believe we are each of us connected to every person and everything on this Earth, that we are in fact one divine organism having an infinite spiritual existence. Of course, we may not always comprehend that. And really, that's a discussion for another time. So let's cut to the chase:
I was given the gift of life, and now I have to give it back. This is hard. But I was a lucky woman, who led a lucky existence, and for this I am grateful. I first got sick in January 2010. When the cancer recurred last year and was terminal, I decided to be joyful about having had a full life, rather than sad about having to die. Amazingly, this outlook worked for me. (Well, you know, most of the time.) Meditation and the study of Buddhist philosophy also helped me accept what I could not change. At any rate, I am at peace. And on that upbeat note, I take my mortal leave of this rollicking, revolving world-this sun, that moon, that walk around Green Lake, that stroll through the Pike Place Market, the memory of a child's hand in mine.”
Lotter’s obit reads like a love letter. It remains available online for people who knew her (or didn’t) to return to. Some of the comments are just as beautiful as the piece itself, including those from Lotter’s sister, Pat, who appears to regularly go there to write to her around the time of her birthday. Lotter’s husband writes her little poems and sends photos of hummingbirds, roses.
Obituaries that have not been self-penned offer loved ones the chance to be storytellers on behalf of the deceased. If anyone is worth mentioning when I talk about impact, it’s Spencer Watson Seupel, and the story his mother tells about him, his sensitivity, and the compounding factors that led to his death by suicide.
“If a young man or woman says maybe I'll kill myself, tell someone. Don't leave him alone. If a young man or woman drinks too much, say something. It's not a game; it's a symptom. And let us find and encourage within ourselves, within our society, those gifts that make each of us special: not star power, not intellectual prowess, but the ineffable mystery and extraordinary beauty of the simple human heart.”
[See also: Garrett Michael Matthias AKA “The Great Garrett Underpants”, Harry Weathersby Stamps, William “Freddie” McCullough, Mary A. "Pink" Mullaney, Nevena Ann Topic.]
Questions I’m Considering As I Write My Own Obituary
✶ What are my favorite memories? Who are my favorite people?
✶ What will I miss about being alive? Which sensory experiences make being a person worth it?
✶ What lessons have I learned that I could pass on to others? What personal values do I want to speak to?
✶ What impact have I had? Has my impact come from my career, my family, my community connections, etc?
✶ What reminders might my loved ones need from me when I am gone? What mantras do I want to keep repeating?
✶ How can my obituary be of service even to those who did not know me?