What If You Didn’t Need To Wait?

What if you were already there?

Do you ever hear your heroes yelling their wisdom inside your own head?

Lately, I’ve been hearing Audre Lorde say these words to me, these words from A Litany for Survival: The Life and Work of Audre Lorde (1996 dir. by Ada Gay Griffin and Michelle Parkerson). She says that, in order to write the poem, “You need to reach down and touch the thing that’s boiling inside you”. All that requires you to do is connect with what is already stirring inside.

Audre’s words have me stewing on the concept of delay. Waiting to feel competent enough to be confident. Waiting to for enough digits in the bank account, a perfect credit score. Waiting for security. Waiting for permission. Waiting for validation. Waiting until there’s enough time. Waiting for the right time. Waiting for promotion. Waiting to become the person I used to be. Waiting to be a new person. Waiting for the perfect body. Waiting for others to grant me my wants. Waiting for them to read my mind. Waiting until things calm down. Waiting for forgiveness. Waiting to feel better. Waiting until I know. Waiting to feel something. Waiting for the spark. Waiting for the world to wake up. Waiting for someone to do the right thing. Waiting for someone to recognize me. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do.

Oliva Clementine says “Taking responsibility is liberating”. I am thinking on this within the context of taking ownership over my own life. My own life, which is happening all the time. Yes, there is value in pause, and even delay at times, but let it be my own call. Let me not wait for fallacies (like perfection, like safety, like enoughness, like time) to lock the gate between myself and what I long for when I am right here holding the keys.

Not to get anywhere faster, but to merely interrupt when the mind says “If only…” and ask, “What about now?” There are times in which I do not grant myself the honesty I would need in order to see the way around my obstacles. Not only that, but there are times in which I do not see myself as someone who has the authority to make many decisions that would be well within my right.

Let us allow ourselves to accept honest answers. Let us change course if those answers do not align with our values. Let us allow ourselves to live now, rather than later.